If you have been with me for a while, perhaps even before this letter was known as The Crow’s Nest (and some of you have been with me that long or longer—over five years since I started sharing a letter here—and I am exceptionally grateful you keep reading.
I'm so glad you pointed out that none of us is 'normal', Alex, whatever that is supposed to be.
I read this piece with interest as my eldest son is exploring the possibility that he has ADD/ASD - having gone through all his school reports from nursery through to leaving, there are clues there. Since he wasn't disruptive, he slipped through the net. It's a shame because, as you rightly point out, getting an adult diagnosis in the UK is a tortuous process.
From the reading I've done, I've also decided my husband has ADHD. His response - so what, what difference does it make. I agree with that to an extent - he clearly has his coping mechanisms that he has gathered through life. But what he forgets is that it makes a difference to me. I'm on the other side of how his brain works etc. It provides an explanation as to why, at times, he doesn't function in the way most other folks do. It allows me to try to change my thought process or try to understand why he reacts the way he does and try to temper my reactions to his, at times, very frustrating behaviour.
I find it remarkable how, for certain loud commentators on the internet, they shout about how suddenly there are all these people with these different neurotypes, or those with mental health issues—as though they were not there before. Of course, for them, it is easier to shout about that than to pause and think—all those people slipped through the system, all those people went undiagnosed, all those people have been greatly let down… This conversation and dialogue, of sharing and pondering diagnoses and ideas as to how no one is really normal, is so urgent right now.
I hope your son finds some answers—I intend to share something else on this topic at some point, and will attach a list of books and resources I’ve personally found to be useful. I was the same, not disruptive at all, quite the opposite in fact, calming others and acting as a mediator more often than not, yet the signs are all there for me, too. Remarkable, really.
What you say about your husband is also a hugely important point. Any issue like this, whether ASD or ADHD, is going to have a knock-on effect, especially with those we love and trust, those closest to us. I’m actually currently reading a couple of books to see if I can find one to share with Aurélie (and others, if they are interested), explaining not only how my brain works (or doesn’t!), but also how we can work on this together. Coping mechanisms, at least as far as I’ve found, are often only masking things, with the issue still needing more work. I know I often frustrate Aurélie in things that I do (and have frustrated others, too), and I want to try and change that as much as I can.
I remain convinced and (actively!) hopeful that all this work I’ve done on myself will mean I—we—can move forward in a positive, stronger fashion. Now that I’m slowly climbing out of the annoying low of depression, it is easier to look at methods to do this, to move forward, to talk about things, to test new-to-me methods of helping. It is a long journey, and not an easy one, but I think the dialogue and exploration is well worth it in the end.
Thank you, for sharing your own perspective and observations on this, that means a lot to me. It is ever-fascinating, how many people are either neurodivergent themselves, or have a neurodivergent person close to them. This is something to be celebrated! Taking that idea of ‘normal’ and actually realising no one fits into that mould is only a good thing.
I'll read whatever you share with interest, Alex. It's not an easy route of learning for anyone. I have a friend who is a GP. Her youngest son was diagnosed with ADHD during lockdown and has just recently also been diagnosed with ASD. She has found the system really difficult, and she's a GP - what chance do the rest of us have?! They gave up on the NHS and went private to speed up the process but not everyone has that ability. Our own GP told us, much as it pained her to say it, that if we could go private the diagnosis route would be much faster.
Thank you. And yes, I’ve heard that from a number of friends who have been diagnosed—it is frankly ridiculous how many needed to pay for a private diagnosis. In some ways, I’m strangely glad I'm over here in France. I think, if I were on the NHS waiting list, it would be harder to bear than simply not pursuing a professional diagnosis here. That said, I did read something someone shared, about private consultations in Thailand, where they actually spend hours with you, going through everything, and the cost is a tiny fraction of that in Europe or America. (Similar with dentistry! A lot of Australians head there for work, as they get a holiday and better teeth for less money than at home. Ha.)
Thanks again, I really appreciate your thoughts and experience on this. I really think talking and sharing is the best route for us all, too!
This is a phenomenal read Alex. And yes, I agree with absolute relief, we are none of us normal anymore, whether we have a professional diagnosis to verify this or otherwise, life isn’t such that we can be.
We each have our foibles, our crosses!
I find, especially working with children that do have labels, though I question the benefit of such a thing, that in fact each of them has something that is special, even those without.
I believe everyone, put under the microscope, would leave with an acronym attached.
“Accept the darkness is there, then begin the process of banishing it by lighting up all around you—starting with yourself.”
Thank you! I think that is a perfect point, that if we were all examined closely, placed under the microscope as you say, we'd all come away with some sort of acronym! And I love that. Normal is ridiculous, far more so than accepting we are all truly unique. Acceptance is, of course, key, too, if we can just get on (as a society) with living, acknowledging we are all going to have different ways to do things, different ways to be, whilst not assuming our own is the one true path, then I think the world would be a better place.
I am, of course, hopeful that these things, these acronyms we have been brought up thinking are abnormal, and how we relate to them and others, will all become more, well, normal! There is already much work on this subject, much to read, much to share, much to talk about.
There can be problems I suppose, I've heard some people mention how they worry some (usually young) people might see a video or two on TikTok, relate, and incorrectly assume they have those acronyms, but I remain unsure how much of a negative thing that could be. After all, many of the mechanisms which, for example, ADHDers can use to keep going, keep trying to get things done, would work for others, too (although there might be easier ways!).
I could ramble on about this whole, delightfully messy topic, at length!
Thanks again and, yes, this is our true work, and I think it is work many of those I admire here on Substack are already doing, quietly, carefully, and effectively. Yourself included. Thank you.
Have I sleepwalked and unknowingly ventured into your house, typed this and posted it on your account?!
That's how relevant this piece feels! You've voiced many things I've been wrestling with myself as someone who only realised I was AuDHD in my 30s. From the way you question what would a diagnosis mean for you to bring critical of terminology ("disorder," "consuming"...) and your conclusions on the state of the world, this reflects so much of my own journey. Thanks for that.
Thank you so much for this. I’m really happy it resonated so much—especially with it being one of ‘those’ pieces, which I was nervous to share. As someone who tries (and doesn’t always succeed) to find joy everywhere I look, I take a lot of comfort from the fact my journey mirrors yours. To know we are not alone, but that there are others on the path, that is a powerful thing indeed.
Thank you, this means a lot to me. I am so happy it touched you in such a way, I was quite nervous about sharing it, but the response has been wonderful. Thanks!
Alexander, this essay struck me. Mental health issues, particularly depression and anxiety, have been prevalent in my family for years. I have written previously about my own struggles with those. Thanks for your bravery in seeking answers. In truth, we are all broken in some ways. I love the image of Kintsugi pottery how the broken pieces are mended with gold to make a more beautiful thing. I think we are that way as well. Keep up the great work my friend.
Many thanks Matthew. I really appreciate that and, yes! I wholeheartedly agree and love the Kintsugi pottery metaphor. I’ve often thought about that myself. We are who we are and, whilst that can be messy and difficult at times, it also makes us all so unique, so wonderful, and I never fail to be amazed at that.
Many thanks, Terri. Sending love back to you and your family from our corner of the Alps (where spring feels very, very close indeed). I have learnt to try and love winter, but when those little green shoots appear, and leaves unfurl, it does something to my heart and mind.
I, too, am a rebel. And I'm so glad to find more and more of us! There is so much in this beautifully written piece that had me nod in agreement or recognition, Alex. Thank you for your words. I had a chat with my eldest yesterday (he's 18) and he admitted feeling afraid with what's going on in the world. I couldn't find words of hope to soothe him, but I will send him this piece. Again, thank you.
Many thanks for these words. I hope that your eldest finds a way to cope with that darkness in the world, a way to soothe it, and a way to move forward. I think there are, as you say, many of us who are hopeful rebels and I also think we are gathering in strength. There will be more darkness, I know, but I also know I will not allow my own little light to be extinguished, and I intend to keep shining that light on the world around me as much as I can.
I'm so glad you pointed out that none of us is 'normal', Alex, whatever that is supposed to be.
I read this piece with interest as my eldest son is exploring the possibility that he has ADD/ASD - having gone through all his school reports from nursery through to leaving, there are clues there. Since he wasn't disruptive, he slipped through the net. It's a shame because, as you rightly point out, getting an adult diagnosis in the UK is a tortuous process.
From the reading I've done, I've also decided my husband has ADHD. His response - so what, what difference does it make. I agree with that to an extent - he clearly has his coping mechanisms that he has gathered through life. But what he forgets is that it makes a difference to me. I'm on the other side of how his brain works etc. It provides an explanation as to why, at times, he doesn't function in the way most other folks do. It allows me to try to change my thought process or try to understand why he reacts the way he does and try to temper my reactions to his, at times, very frustrating behaviour.
I find it remarkable how, for certain loud commentators on the internet, they shout about how suddenly there are all these people with these different neurotypes, or those with mental health issues—as though they were not there before. Of course, for them, it is easier to shout about that than to pause and think—all those people slipped through the system, all those people went undiagnosed, all those people have been greatly let down… This conversation and dialogue, of sharing and pondering diagnoses and ideas as to how no one is really normal, is so urgent right now.
I hope your son finds some answers—I intend to share something else on this topic at some point, and will attach a list of books and resources I’ve personally found to be useful. I was the same, not disruptive at all, quite the opposite in fact, calming others and acting as a mediator more often than not, yet the signs are all there for me, too. Remarkable, really.
What you say about your husband is also a hugely important point. Any issue like this, whether ASD or ADHD, is going to have a knock-on effect, especially with those we love and trust, those closest to us. I’m actually currently reading a couple of books to see if I can find one to share with Aurélie (and others, if they are interested), explaining not only how my brain works (or doesn’t!), but also how we can work on this together. Coping mechanisms, at least as far as I’ve found, are often only masking things, with the issue still needing more work. I know I often frustrate Aurélie in things that I do (and have frustrated others, too), and I want to try and change that as much as I can.
I remain convinced and (actively!) hopeful that all this work I’ve done on myself will mean I—we—can move forward in a positive, stronger fashion. Now that I’m slowly climbing out of the annoying low of depression, it is easier to look at methods to do this, to move forward, to talk about things, to test new-to-me methods of helping. It is a long journey, and not an easy one, but I think the dialogue and exploration is well worth it in the end.
Thank you, for sharing your own perspective and observations on this, that means a lot to me. It is ever-fascinating, how many people are either neurodivergent themselves, or have a neurodivergent person close to them. This is something to be celebrated! Taking that idea of ‘normal’ and actually realising no one fits into that mould is only a good thing.
I'll read whatever you share with interest, Alex. It's not an easy route of learning for anyone. I have a friend who is a GP. Her youngest son was diagnosed with ADHD during lockdown and has just recently also been diagnosed with ASD. She has found the system really difficult, and she's a GP - what chance do the rest of us have?! They gave up on the NHS and went private to speed up the process but not everyone has that ability. Our own GP told us, much as it pained her to say it, that if we could go private the diagnosis route would be much faster.
Thank you. And yes, I’ve heard that from a number of friends who have been diagnosed—it is frankly ridiculous how many needed to pay for a private diagnosis. In some ways, I’m strangely glad I'm over here in France. I think, if I were on the NHS waiting list, it would be harder to bear than simply not pursuing a professional diagnosis here. That said, I did read something someone shared, about private consultations in Thailand, where they actually spend hours with you, going through everything, and the cost is a tiny fraction of that in Europe or America. (Similar with dentistry! A lot of Australians head there for work, as they get a holiday and better teeth for less money than at home. Ha.)
Thanks again, I really appreciate your thoughts and experience on this. I really think talking and sharing is the best route for us all, too!
This is a phenomenal read Alex. And yes, I agree with absolute relief, we are none of us normal anymore, whether we have a professional diagnosis to verify this or otherwise, life isn’t such that we can be.
We each have our foibles, our crosses!
I find, especially working with children that do have labels, though I question the benefit of such a thing, that in fact each of them has something that is special, even those without.
I believe everyone, put under the microscope, would leave with an acronym attached.
“Accept the darkness is there, then begin the process of banishing it by lighting up all around you—starting with yourself.”
This is our true work!
Thank you! I think that is a perfect point, that if we were all examined closely, placed under the microscope as you say, we'd all come away with some sort of acronym! And I love that. Normal is ridiculous, far more so than accepting we are all truly unique. Acceptance is, of course, key, too, if we can just get on (as a society) with living, acknowledging we are all going to have different ways to do things, different ways to be, whilst not assuming our own is the one true path, then I think the world would be a better place.
I am, of course, hopeful that these things, these acronyms we have been brought up thinking are abnormal, and how we relate to them and others, will all become more, well, normal! There is already much work on this subject, much to read, much to share, much to talk about.
There can be problems I suppose, I've heard some people mention how they worry some (usually young) people might see a video or two on TikTok, relate, and incorrectly assume they have those acronyms, but I remain unsure how much of a negative thing that could be. After all, many of the mechanisms which, for example, ADHDers can use to keep going, keep trying to get things done, would work for others, too (although there might be easier ways!).
I could ramble on about this whole, delightfully messy topic, at length!
Thanks again and, yes, this is our true work, and I think it is work many of those I admire here on Substack are already doing, quietly, carefully, and effectively. Yourself included. Thank you.
Have I sleepwalked and unknowingly ventured into your house, typed this and posted it on your account?!
That's how relevant this piece feels! You've voiced many things I've been wrestling with myself as someone who only realised I was AuDHD in my 30s. From the way you question what would a diagnosis mean for you to bring critical of terminology ("disorder," "consuming"...) and your conclusions on the state of the world, this reflects so much of my own journey. Thanks for that.
Thank you so much for this. I’m really happy it resonated so much—especially with it being one of ‘those’ pieces, which I was nervous to share. As someone who tries (and doesn’t always succeed) to find joy everywhere I look, I take a lot of comfort from the fact my journey mirrors yours. To know we are not alone, but that there are others on the path, that is a powerful thing indeed.
Thanks again!
Whew ❤️ that one reached in and plucked right at my heart strings. Thank you for sharing
Thank you, this means a lot to me. I am so happy it touched you in such a way, I was quite nervous about sharing it, but the response has been wonderful. Thanks!
Alexander, this essay struck me. Mental health issues, particularly depression and anxiety, have been prevalent in my family for years. I have written previously about my own struggles with those. Thanks for your bravery in seeking answers. In truth, we are all broken in some ways. I love the image of Kintsugi pottery how the broken pieces are mended with gold to make a more beautiful thing. I think we are that way as well. Keep up the great work my friend.
Many thanks Matthew. I really appreciate that and, yes! I wholeheartedly agree and love the Kintsugi pottery metaphor. I’ve often thought about that myself. We are who we are and, whilst that can be messy and difficult at times, it also makes us all so unique, so wonderful, and I never fail to be amazed at that.
Thanks again.
I don’t have the right words to do this justice but it was beautiful, thorough, heartfelt and also well structured and expressed. Thank you
Thank you so much John, I think your words are perfect and they truly mean a lot to me. Thanks.
Thank for this beautiful and inspiring essay. Sending love to you and your family from Dartmoor.
Many thanks, Terri. Sending love back to you and your family from our corner of the Alps (where spring feels very, very close indeed). I have learnt to try and love winter, but when those little green shoots appear, and leaves unfurl, it does something to my heart and mind.
I, too, am a rebel. And I'm so glad to find more and more of us! There is so much in this beautifully written piece that had me nod in agreement or recognition, Alex. Thank you for your words. I had a chat with my eldest yesterday (he's 18) and he admitted feeling afraid with what's going on in the world. I couldn't find words of hope to soothe him, but I will send him this piece. Again, thank you.
Many thanks for these words. I hope that your eldest finds a way to cope with that darkness in the world, a way to soothe it, and a way to move forward. I think there are, as you say, many of us who are hopeful rebels and I also think we are gathering in strength. There will be more darkness, I know, but I also know I will not allow my own little light to be extinguished, and I intend to keep shining that light on the world around me as much as I can.
Thanks again, I really appreciate your comment.